Psalm 68:4-5 (New International Version)
4 Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
extol him who rides on the clouds [a]—
his name is the LORD—
and rejoice before him.
5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
My heart hurts tonight...there's just no other way to describe it. It's been about 20 months now and I hurt more today than ever. I need you here with me. I have tried so hard to keep up the appearance that all is well and that I'm OK...but I don't know if I can keep that up anymore. I'm so tired. I've made an honest attempt at moving on, even going out with a very nice and kind man for about five or six weeks...but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make my heart pretend that I was ready to move on. I also couldn't be so unfair as to compare him to you...which will be what I do for the rest of my life with anyone I might go out with. I don't know how to not do that. You were with me for 17 years...how can I not compare anyone else to you? You knew every single detail of my life, my head, my heart. How can I ever let anyone else in like that? How can I not think of you every time someone else holds my hand or gives me flowers? How do I ever, ever, ever get over you?
The boys are still hurting too...it seems now that Andre is having a lot of trouble focusing in school. He failed a class for the first time in his life, which means no band and no tennis for six weeks. He's also struggling in a couple of other classes, but passed by the grace of God. He has developed an attitude, mostly with the little boys but sometimes with me as well. I don't know how to handle it. J.P. and Clay are doing well at school in class, but J.P. has gotten in trouble for skipping class and Clay has been in trouble for not paying attention in math class several times.
I can finally admit how angry I am that I am dealing with this alone...I don't have anyone to turn to, at least anyone that I thought I could depend upon and who knew you. I haven't heard from Cary or Joe in almost a year. I haven't heard from Jason in 14 months, except for court issues (long drawn out story about your video camera and it's rightful ownership). None of the men who said they would help our boys remember you and to grow up knowing what a great father you were are here anymore. I don't know why they all just abandoned us...and that hurts and angers me completely. How unfair to those boys that not only you were taken away, but the three other most important men in their lives just stop calling or coming around at all. What does that tell them? What does that do to their emotional stability? Of course, they've met some very good and kind men here at our church...we've made a few new friends here but it's not the same.
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. I miss you so much that I cry more now than I did in the beginning. My blood pressure is up and I've gained weight. I feel bad all the time and I never exercise anymore. I'm just too drained, emotionally and physically. I just want to see you again. I miss you telling me you love me. I miss you calling me 17 times a day just to say hi. I miss you playing with the kids and me having to tell you all to quiet down and stop being so rough before somebody gets hurt. I just miss everything about you.
I love you.
2 comments:
Oh Laurie, losing someone so important in your life is so hard and even worse, never transitions to easy. And it's so okay to feel sorry for yourself because weathering a tremendous loss is a lot of work. But I also know that you can do it. You have incredible strength within your stuff and within your boys and you just have to keep dragging that out, bit by bit, until eventually it's a bit easier to breathe and the empty fills up little by little. You can do it.
Laurie - it feels almost rude to intrude on your private thoughts here, but I'm so sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine how hard this is. I'll be praying for you. It's okay to not forget him. Hang in there.
Bernard
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