Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Psalm 68:4-5 (New International Version)

4 Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
extol him who rides on the clouds ^[a]—
his name is the LORD—
and rejoice before him.

5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.

My heart hurts tonight...there's just no other way to describe it. It's been about 20 months now and I hurt more today than ever. I need you here with me. I have tried so hard to keep up the appearance that all is well and that I'm OK...but I don't know if I can keep that up anymore. I'm so tired. I've made an honest attempt at moving on, even going out with a very nice and kind man for about five or six weeks...but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make my heart pretend that I was ready to move on. I also couldn't be so unfair as to compare him to you...which will be what I do for the rest of my life with anyone I might go out with. I don't know how to not do that. You were with me for 17 years...how can I not compare anyone else to you? You knew every single detail of my life, my head, my heart. How can I ever let anyone else in like that? How can I not think of you every time someone else holds my hand or gives me flowers? How do I ever, ever, ever get over you?

The boys are still hurting too...it seems now that Andre is having a lot of trouble focusing in school. He failed a class for the first time in his life, which means no band and no tennis for six weeks. He's also struggling in a couple of other classes, but passed by the grace of God. He has developed an attitude, mostly with the little boys but sometimes with me as well. I don't know how to handle it. J.P. and Clay are doing well at school in class, but J.P. has gotten in trouble for skipping class and Clay has been in trouble for not paying attention in math class several times.

I can finally admit how angry I am that I am dealing with this alone...I don't have anyone to turn to, at least anyone that I thought I could depend upon and who knew you. I haven't heard from Cary or Joe in almost a year. I haven't heard from Jason in 14 months, except for court issues (long drawn out story about your video camera and it's rightful ownership). None of the men who said they would help our boys remember you and to grow up knowing what a great father you were are here anymore. I don't know why they all just abandoned us...and that hurts and angers me completely. How unfair to those boys that not only you were taken away, but the three other most important men in their lives just stop calling or coming around at all. What does that tell them? What does that do to their emotional stability? Of course, they've met some very good and kind men here at our church...we've made a few new friends here but it's not the same.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. I miss you so much that I cry more now than I did in the beginning. My blood pressure is up and I've gained weight. I feel bad all the time and I never exercise anymore. I'm just too drained, emotionally and physically. I just want to see you again. I miss you telling me you love me. I miss you calling me 17 times a day just to say hi. I miss you playing with the kids and me having to tell you all to quiet down and stop being so rough before somebody gets hurt. I just miss everything about you.

I love you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Psalm 69:30 (New International Version)

30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving at my sister's home yesterday...good food, great family, and lots of things to be thankful for. My children are healthy, our needs are met through God's blessing each month, and we have a loving family who will keep us going when things get rough. I have a career that I love with great employers and employees. I thank God for all that we have been blessed with, and how He continues to show us how to be grateful even in our grief. I miss my husband so much...holidays are really hard for us and I would do anything to hear him laugh again. However...even in the midst of pain, we are shown time and time again that God is good ALL the time.

Here are some pictures I took yesterday...my boys are the lights of my life and for what I am most thankful!

Clay, my baby (8):J.P., my middle boy (9):

Andre, my oldest (14):

Tranquili-Tea

Titus 2:3-5 (New International Version)

3Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Today was our church's "Tranquili-Tea" for our Women's Ministry program. We had about 90 women from ages 14 to 88 at the event. We gathered to fellowship, pray, and refresh friendships new and old. We had a wonderful guest speaker, Vickie Kraft, who was inspiring and educational.

One of the highlights of the event was that each table's hostess decorated the table with her own style and her own china/place settings. There were 14 tables, each as beautiful and different as the women decorating them. I took many pictures of the settings and of the event. There is even one of my friends Julie and Lisa with me (I'm in the middle). I hope you enjoy them.

What a beautiful event, and an even more beautiful bond of friendship. I am so blessed to be friends with Kristi Lowrie and Karen Brockway, without whom none of this would have been possible today. God is so good all the time. :)

See Ya Later, Alligator

James 3:7 (New International Version)

7All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, 8but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.










My sweet friend Presley took me to the East Texas Gator Park today near Grand Saline. It was really neat!! They have all kinds of lizards, snakes, fish, turtles, and other critters, and of course, many, MANY alligators. Scary thought...most everything they have in the park was trapped within a 10 mile radius of their place. YIKES!

These are some of the many pictures I took while there. My favorite, though...is the sign when you first get there:


Let that be a warning to any wanna-be alligator molesters out there! ;)