Jeremiah 49:11
11 Leave your orphans; I will protect their lives.
Your widows too can trust in me."
It's almost impossible for to believe that it's been two years since my husband died. Two years ago this morning, just about at this time, my world changed forever. I was looking back at an email I sent to various friends about that day. It's posted below for reference.
Two years later, we are coping as well as anyone could expect, I suppose. I know the boys miss their daddy terribly. There have been so many things that have happened in their lives that I wish he was here to see or participate in...football games, band practices, soccer, basketball, girlfriends, school assemblies, drivers ed, baptisms...but I know he was watching from above and smiling all the while.
We're going to New York, TX today to the cemetery. We don't go often, mostly because it's so far away, but also because I know he's not really there, anyway. We'll go by and pick up Byron's mom (she lives in Athens) and go out to the cemetery and then to lunch or something. I plan to take a few pictures today out there. Charlotte will be 80 in May and I want to get some photos of her with the boys every time we are together. I'll post as soon as we get back.
Thanks for reading and thanks for your prayers.
Email sent 3-31-07
I have tried to think of ways to help sort this whole surreal event out in my mind, and it was suggested to me by my pastor to reach out for strength. I am asking for your prayers, if you are a person of faith, or your positive energy, if you have alternate beliefs.
On Sunday morning at 7:23 am, I found the love of my life unresponsive, blue, and cold in our bed. He had passed during the night sometime, while we were sleeping. I found myself in some strange fog, calling 911 and performing CPR until paramedics and a physician arrived. The doctor, who had left his shift at the hospital and was on his way home when he heard the call, came to me while the paramedics were working and told me that "this was not going to be a successful resuscitation." Those words didn't register in my mind. I begged him to try everything he could, so they took him to the hospital and tried for over an hour to save him. There was no hope...and the doctor came out to explain to me and my three children that he was gone.
I cannot in a million years imagine how I am going to spend the rest of my life without him. He has been there for me for so long that I don't remember life before he was there. This has been an unimaginably hard week, and every minute I think it might get the slightest bit easier, something happens and I see him...I hear a song, or smell something familiar...it's just so hard to even breathe sometimes. I have cried until I think I can't make any more tears. There are just no words that can explain why a 39 year old man's heart would stop in the night. I am so angry...and lost...and forever broken.
I keep trying to be as strong as possible for the boys, but it is so hard. They're handling this better than I expected, but that's the beauty of the resiliency of children. Our oldest is much more acutely aware of the depth of this loss, as he and his dad have truly been best friends.
We have a wonderful network of extended family, friends, and church members who have come out en masse to comfort and assist in every way possible...but nothing is filling this gaping hole in my soul. At this point, I cannot ever imagine it being filled again. After days of constant activity, and people coming and going from my house, I find myself alone with my thoughts this evening. Please help me understand why this has happened...and how I can get through the rest of my life without him.
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